Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
