For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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