Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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