She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
