I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
