Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
