it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I am spending my child support on dildos
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
