She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
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