R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
