Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
