the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
