Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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