Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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