some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
