my mouth tastes like poor choices
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
