How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Randomize
