i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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