True but thats because hes a fetus.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
