she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...