My cat gives me a boner
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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