we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
