May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
