Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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