Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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