My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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