Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
