I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
