I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
