before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
