You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
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I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
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Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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