I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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