And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize