is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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