I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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