You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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