I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
