If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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