Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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