Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
