2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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