Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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