can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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