shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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