Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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