you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
