the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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