If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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