Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
