Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
