Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
