he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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