mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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