The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
