Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
