Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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